MASONIC HUMOUR

 

Isolation Opening Ritual

Situation of the Tyler? Outside the door of the lodge.

His duty?

Armed with a 2m sword to see off all coughers.

Situation of the Inner Guard? Within the entrance.

His duty?

 

To admit the uninfected on proof, receive the candidates duly masked and obey commands of the Junior Doctor.

 

Situation of the Junior Deacon.

 

2m away from the SW.

 

His duty?

To carry all soap of the WM from the SW to the JW, and see their hands are punctually cleaned.

‪The situation of the Senior Deacon?

 

2m to the right of the WM.

 

His duty?

To bear the soap of the WM to the SW and await the hand washing of the JD.

Bro JW - your place in the Lodge

In the South.

 

Why are you there?

 

To mark the position of the soap. To call Brethren from soap to sink, and sink to towel, that clean hands are the result

 

Bro SW, your place in the lodge,

 

The West.

 

Why are you there?

 

To ensure that brethren are masked, tested, and regularly clean the lodge by the command of the WM, having seen that everyone remains exactly 2m apart from each other.

Bro IPM, the M place.

 

The East.

 

Why is he placed there?

As the virus sprung from the East, leading us to isolation, so the WM is placed there to make sure all vulnerable masons are duly shielded, commanding them to remain at home, protect our temples and save lives.

Brethren, the isolation lodge being duly sanitized, let us, remain 2M apart, duly isolated and wait for a vaccine to arrive.

 

               ******* 

A local Priest died  and was waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a Mason who's dressed in full Masonic regalia.

 

Saint Peter addresses this man, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

 

The man  grins, "Sure, I'm John Murphy, a member of a mason lodge  and my occupation is that of a taxi driver"

 

St Peter consults his list, then he smiles & says to John, the mason, "Ahh yes . . Take this silken robe & golden staff, then enter the Kingdom of Heaven." .. John enters into Heaven with his beautiful robe & golden staff.

 

Then it was  the Priest's turn. He stood  tall, confident  & said in a booming voice, "I am Father Michael Milligan, Priest of Saint Mary's Church, in Limerick for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list, then says to the Priest, "Take this cotton robe & wooden staff,  then enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

 

"WHAT?? Just a minute," says the Priest. "That man before me was a mason who is not allowed to discuss religion in his lodge,  yet he gets a SILKEN robe & a GOLDEN staff. I am a priest who had delivered hundred of sermons in my lifetime and saved many souls. All I get is a cotton robe and a wooden staff. Why??? How can this be??" This is not Fair!

 

St Peter, looks to the Priest and smiles, "Up here, we apply the principle of rewards by result. While you preached, people slept . ………. . But John, the mason is a taxi driver. while He drove, people prayed.!!"

Ron P 31 March 2020 

Back in the days of tanners and bobs, 

When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs. 

When football team families wore hand me down shoes, 

And T.V gave only two channels to choose. 

 

Back in the days of three penny bits, 

when schools employed nurses to search for your nits. 

When snowballs were harmless; ice slides were permitted 

and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted. 

 

Back in the days of hot ginger beers, 

when children remained so for more than six years. 

When children respected what older folks said, 

and pot was a thing you kept under your bed. 

 

Back in the days of Listen with Mother, 

when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other. 

When cars were so rare you could play in the street. 

When Doctors made house calls and Police walked the beat.

 

Back in the days of Milligan's Goons, 

when butter was butter and songs all had tunes. 

It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea, 

and your annual break was a day by the sea. 

 

Back in the days of Dixon's Dock Green, 

Crackerjack pens and Lyons ice cream. 

When children could freely wear National Health glasses, 

and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes.

 

Back in the days of rocking and reeling, 

when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.

When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools, 

and everyone dreamed of a win on the pools. 

 

Back in the days when I was a lad, 

I can't help but smile for the fun that I had. 

Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob. 

Back in the days of tanners and bobs.

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